Picturesque Scotland! A perfect piece of heaven. Expansive lakes whose ripples are the hues of blue- the breathtaking blue of morning glory, tiny bluebells, of the exotic edelweiss, of sapphires and jade. And the exquisite emerald green mountains that are spotted with globules of fluffy cotton that are the most adorable sheep! And I was Heidi. I could see myself in a flowered dress racing down the green hillock with a pail of creamy frothy milk in one hand and a stick in the other to chase the fat sheep.
Johanna Spyri conjured Heidi amongst the Alps but anyone who watched Heidi on Sunday mornings courtesy Cartoon Network will get the idea. Only hiccup being Heidi was a chubby girl with rosy cheeks (Seriously!! Who has cheeks that colour?) and she seemed to have a stomach for milk- the full-fat double toned cream kinda stuff. Anyone who knows me will probably suspect that I probably suffer from anaemia (somehow calories have taken a strong aversion to my body). Anyone who probably knows me will also know that I have a strong aversion to milk. Moreover, I do not like flowery prints on my clothes. And God only knows how Heidi sat with the sheep on her lap. Those creatures are adorable but that does not give them the licence to weigh a million pounds! Man...Are those fat-ass balls of fluff heavy or what? Basically Heidi and I cannot be any dissimilar. But I am sure she loved Scotland as much as I did. The place is too beautiful to be true.
So I along with 6 of my guy friends had planned a road trip to Scotland (Yep! I honestly believe you can have the most chilled out time with guys: no clothes/shoes talk and no never-ending bitching sessions). We were driving from Manchester and had stopovers in Edinburg, Inverness, Ben-Nevis, Loch-Ness, Isle of Skye and other locations in and around Scotland. So we had driven for almost 4-5 hours and were on our way to Inverness. It was almost 6ish by the time we reached the lodge. This place was a neat wood and glass structure that was situated away from the commercial complex. The drive had churned up a good enough craving for the edibles.
So Prady, Nishant, Parjanya, Sameer, Ankit, Sahil and I made our way to a locality some miles away where we learnt was a McDonald’s. Now McDs in India is just some fast food joint for cheap grub. But in the U.K., the sight of the orange haired Ronald will make any vegetarian eyes light up in glee. When you are a student in the U.K. and your purse strings are strained, McDs will gain more respect from you than any Shangri-La or Mainland China. Moreover, if you’re one of those meat-eaters whose preferences for food are not as expansive as to include any crawling/moving object, McDs is a much viable option.
We were informed by the lodge administrator that a few eating joints including McD’s (Phew!!) was some distance from the lodge and we thought we’d walk the distance, especially after the long-ish drive. So off we went in search of our very own manna- cheese burgers and greasy fries! We walked on enthusiastically, going Oooh and Aaaah at every pretty sight, putting on the perfect touristy act. Funnily, it seemed that the Scots in this interior region were already indoors, doing the re-fills of the scotch and whisky. The area was strangely quiet and scarcely populated. And somehow the road-signs weren’t of any great help either. So on and on the 7 of us walked, in search of food.
Now let me tell you something about my pal Ankit. He is one of those techno-savvy people who if he could, would probably buy the new popular shiny gadget even before it was out in the market. So with his precious Blackberry clutched in one hand, Ankit sauntered ahead all of us with an air of self-confidence. Come on!! After all, he was a ‘Blackberry Boy’. Flanked by Nishant and Prady whose savoir-faire in technology was impressive enough to mingle with the likes of Ankit, the three of them were trying to figure out the way to McDs with the help of the BB (now who is going to waste all this energy in saying Blackberry; BB sounds more hep). While Parjanya pretended to look interested; Sameer didn’t even bother; and I was busy batting away Sahil with annoyance as he tried tripping me over (his idea of fun always almost involved getting me annoyed).
This craziness went on for a while till I snapped out of my reverie-like state (it happens naturally when you have such a beautiful mesmerizing landscape) and realized that we had been walking for almost half an hour now. The small quake like rumbling that had commenced in the pit of my stomach had now become loud enough for everyone to hear. I tried to control my irritation and asked the techie-threesome, “Don’t you think we must ask someone? I don’t trust that BB map”. And that was it for Ankit. He took offense to his incapability to comprehend the map that his beloved Blackberry had spread out for him and he said rather pig-headedly, “NO! I promise you my BB shall get us to McDonalds in the next 15 minutes”. Grrr...PIG-HEAD! I resigned to dismally scanning the landscape. What was so special about Scotland anyway? It all lakes and hills! Big deal.
By now, Nishant and Prady had lost interest in the BB as well. So as we all trudged along like nomads, Ankit kept mumbling to himself like a mad scientist while he feverishly worked his BB. We were crossing a small field when Prady exclaimed, “Oh! Look at this rabbit!” So we stopped to check out the rabbit that was the colour of chocolate...but not quite. It was the brown of fudge but with streaks of white...the white of vanilla ice-cream...Damn!! Stupid hunger pangs!! So while we watched the tiny furry creature nibbling on a vegetable of some kind, from a burrow nearby scampered two more rabbits. We watched as the three rabbits chased each other around the field. In the meanwhile, there was an argument whether these were rabbits or hares. As a close inspection of anatomy was being conducted, I stared forlornly at the piece of veggie that the rabbit/hare had dropped. DO NOT JUDGE ME!! When you can almost feel acidic juices in your stomach eating away at the insides of your stomach crazy thoughts do take shape in your head.
The disturbing visual of my insides disappeared as I heard Ankit shout, “We are on the right lane! Up ahead is McDonalds”. I could have almost fallen to my feet and kissed his BB with gratitude! Suddenly all of us felt this spurt of energy as we half-walked half-ran up the road with hope in our eyes and joy in our hearts (and noises in my tummy). If I recollect correctly, we also hummed some song on the way as well. As we reached the end of the lane, we noticed a junction that was forked and both the lanes went on without any sight of a food joint. We stood in disbelief as we stared at the deserted lanes. Now I am anything but patient. I could feel the vein near my temples throbbing as if it could not contain the hot red blood that threatened to spurt out any moment. I turned slowly to face Pig-Head who had led the pack of hungry wolves with an arrogant smirk on his face. “ANKIT! YOU-SAID-WE-WOULD-FIND-MC-DONALDS-AT-THE-END-OF-THIS-ROAD.”
The other five who had been about to lunge at Ankit’s throat some seconds back, re-evaluated their decision and decided to come to Ankit’s rescue. My short fuse was something that everyone had had the misfortune of witnessing in the past. So in order to prevent a scuffle, Prady quickly grabbed the BB from Ankit and said, “Now now...let’s figure this out”. After much collective analysis, Ankit explained to me apologetically, “Maddy...actually the BB showed McDonalds right in this location. Only that “McDonalds” is not the food joint...it is the name of this lane. That is why we have been walking on the same lane for a while now. I thought we would find the food joint down this road but...ummm...” What followed was a string of expletives and obscenities that were as long as a song. But aaaahhhh....did I feel good or what!! Ankit almost withered under my glowering gaze. After having vented out my frustration, I grunted, “the next person we see, we WILL ask for directions”.
So we walked back the McDonald’s ROAD in search of any inhabitant. I hate Scotland! No wonder the people don’t step out of their homes. Stupid lazy Glaswegians! Don’t they have a life? They’re probably drunk every night in the four walls of their own homes. So anti-social!! Bumbling rustic idiots!! Soon, we noticed a Glaswegian couple walking in the opposite direction. Like a mirage! Sahil almost frightened them off as he ran towards them in wind-force. We asked for directions from the couple and turned out McDonalds was a 20 minute walk from the lodge and we had been wandering for the last hour. I was so happy I swear I had to hold back tears. It was almost 7:30 now and dark already. As we hurried to the location as directed by the locals, I could see Ronald’s orange hair and broad inviting smile from a distance. Oh my gosh!! That joker was so damn handsome!
We were practically the only other customers in the joint apart from a couple of other tables that were occupied. The till-attendants sniggered with amusement while we looked like over-excited foreigners who had never had the privilege to eat at a McDonalds joint. We waited for our glorious food to arrive. I drove everyone crazy as I tapped my foot impatiently. McDonald burger and fries!! I promise I shall never make fun of you!! I hereby pledge to treat you with the utmost dignity and respect that you truly deserve. I shall never ever shrug the suggestion of eating at McDonalds and ‘Eh’ at you in an off-handed manner. I love you!! I love you!! I love you!!
Our food arrived. Eating at McDonalds that day was almost an orgasmic experience for me. I sighed in gastronomic bliss as I happily tucked into my chicken burger and slurped my Oreo shake. I caught Ankit’s eyes once as he watched me gobble down my food. I shot him a dirty look which made him rather uncomfortable. While all of us revelled in the satisfaction of chomping down fast food, no one noticed as Ankit looked over to me, quickly hid his BB in his pocket and patted it protectively for fear of its possible “mysterious” disappearance.
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