As per research on developmental psychology, children build up the sense of morality around the age of 7-8. Morality in terms of what is right or wrong, just or unjust, fair and unfair. Usually the sense of morality is developed through experiences with their primary caretakers and other people they may come in association with. Primary caretakers could be parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles whereas secondary caretakers are friends and peers with whom the child may spend a considerable amount of time. These experiences go a long way in building the kind of principles that one comes to uphold as important in life.
This explains the role of nurture in shaping the person we are likely to become. In fact, it is quite brilliant how small and inconsequential incidents attribute to great learning in life. Just the other day, my friend was poking fun at my acute condition of “honesty”. When I come across people who are too good for their own good (those who fall under the variety of Goody Two-Shoes, So square that they will get their corners cut when they walk through a door, the ones over whose heads the halo always shines brighter than ever), I do feel nauseous. I strongly believe that having a daredevil-ish attitude always spices up life and people who don’t allow themselves to go off the handle once in a while, lose out on a lot in life.
However, I highly value attributes such as fairness and justice. Hence, the teasing that I sometimes have to endure! I try to embody the quality of justice in actions or decisions I take and also in my treatment of others. Interestingly, I was not like this long ago. But once incident changed my outlook and contributed greatly in what I am today. This is what one would call a life-changing incident. This one incident is still etched in my mind, as if it happened just yesterday.
I must have been about 11 when I was travelling with my family on a train to someplace. Yes, those were the times when we usually took the trains for vacations instead of the no-brainer airways that is the obvious choice now, no matter which socio-economic status you hail from. It must have been a 2 day train journey in which the excitement of travel wears off once you get bored of changing landscapes and an overdose of board games. The sultry afternoon and Deccan backdrop plus the air-conditioned compartment had most of the passengers settling in for an afternoon siesta.
I remember my Mum and younger brother were sleeping on the lower berths and I had the upper left berth to myself. I was reading the book I had carried with me for the journey. My Dad who was just stirring from his nap, looked over to me and asked me if we had any cold drink left. “Nope” I told him. We had bought cold drinks once we had got on the train, from the guy who passes the bogies yelling in his nasal voice, “Ching-gum, chaclette, cheeps”. Now when we were young, my parents always bought one of whatever item was purchased- one for my brother and the other for me. In the case where one item was purchased, it was equally divided amongst my brother and me. We had to learn how to share.
We had bought 3 cold drink bottles- one each for my brother and I (one was for my Dad and Mum to share. To this day, my parents share a cold drink. They are not cold-drink fans but when they feel like, they share a few sips). Now since our friend was back in our compartment selling Coke (which he made sound like Cock), Fanta and 7-Up, my Dad purchased 2 cold drink bottles and few bottles of water.
I started sipping my ice-cold drink as I continued reading my book. The plan was to drink about half bottle and save the rest for later but as I continued drinking, I realized that I had come close to finishing my drink. Aah! Big deal! I gulped down the last few mouthfuls of cold drink. While my brother and Mum were still sleeping, my Dad and I were having a conversation- I think it was about some book. After about 20 minutes, I glanced at the wired basket in which I had placed the cold-drinks. The cold drink bottle was tempting me. But I knew the rules so I willed myself to ignore my temptation. But 10 minutes later, I was doing quite badly at the art of resistance and kept stealing glances at my Dad who was now reading.
Finally, I called out to my Dad and whispered, “Pleeease let me have a bit of the cold drink from Mohit’s bottle.” My Dad said in his usual soft voice “You just had yours. That is Mohit’s drink”. I rolled my eyes at him in a nonchalant manner and replied, “Yaaa. So? He is sleeping so he will not know. Just say you had little of his cold drink”. I was so smart. And clever. My Dad looked at me and then said, “He is sleeping and you will be taking something that is rightfully his. It is not about a bottle of cold-drink. I can buy you another ten bottles.” Now THAT’s what I’m talking about. Sounds like a plan Dad!
He went on to explain, “See, you finished the cold drink that was bought for you. You can still finish Mohit’s cold drink...he will never know we bought cold drink when he was sleeping. I will not tell him either. But, the only person you need to be honest to is yourself. And deep in your heart you will not feel good because you know that what you did was wrong. You did it behind his back. You will feel way better if you ask him to share and he declines than if you finish the drink that is rightfully his and never tell him about it.” He added kindly, “It’s your call”.
I was listening very intently at whatever he was explaining. I did what was right, and was expected of me at that point of time- let Mohit have his cold drink. I forget now whether I asked him to share or the cold-drink with me or not. It doesn’t matter. It has been ages since that incident.
Today I make my own decisions. Lectures on morals are not sermonized anymore at my place. Both my brother and I make our own judgements on what we think is the best option- whether it be right or wrong.
But even to this day, that seemingly unforgettable, unimportant incident on the train helps me make many difficult decisions. Replaying it in mind makes mammoth problems easier to handle, gets me through the toughest of times, sees me through dilemmas and ends up making me feel good about myself. Deep in my heart I always know- I am doing the right thing.
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